Family Issues #4

On Fridays, I’ve been having a series of posts about family issues and your pain. Pain conditions affect not only you, but also your family… your husband or wife… your children… your Mom and Dad… even your friends.

These posts are excerpts from a handout for family members (and friends) of patients with pain that I’ve written with a colleague, Dr. David Kannerstein, who is the lead author.  These excerpts are reprinted with permission from Practical Pain Management, 2007, Vol 7, 48-52.  We’ve written this handout to provide information for family members and to help them with what they’re going through.

You’re invited to copy these posts and discuss them with your loved ones.  One patient who discussed the handout with her mother wrote, “My mother read it and said that it really helped her understand me better, and realize that she shouldn’t get angry at me for my limitations.”  That kind of feedback is what we hope for!  If you’d like a copy of the complete handout, information is available at the end of today’s post.

Today’s question…

How should I respond when my loved one’s in pain?  How do I talk to her? How much should I help him?

People in chronic pain seem most helped when those closest to them express concern for their suffering and offer help that’s genuinely needed, along with encouragement for them to be as active as possible.  Don’t overdo sympathy or try to remove all obstacles and challenges from someone in pain.  On the other hand, don’t punish the pain sufferer by blame and hostility.  If you’re not sure how best to be helpful, you might ask the person in pain what kind of attention (s)he feels is most helpful and respectful.

Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain, (adapted with permission from the work of Mark Grant, Ph.D.)

1. LISTEN.  Pay attention not only to what your loved one is saying, but to his nonverbal communication and how he’s saying it.  He may be reluctant to talk about how he feels, but give indications in his behavior.
2. DISCUSS.  Good listeners are also good in conversation.  Repeat and summarize what your loved one is saying.  Ask questions.  Some people need to be encouraged to talk more about their worries.  Others need to be encouraged to focus instead on things other than pain.
3. BE GENUINE.  Don’t pretend to be interested in her feelings if you’re not.
4. HAVE COMPASSION. Try to listen with an open heart, even if for a few minutes.  It can be very healing and supportive.
5. BELIEVE.  Accept that their pain is whatever they say it is.  Don’t tell them it can’t be that bad.
6. AVOID HURTFUL COMMENTS.  Comments like “You’ll just have to live with it” or “We’ve tried everything and nothing works” are not helpful.  Recognize when you’re frustrated or irritable yourself.
7. SUPPORT THEM WHEN THEY GET DISCOURAGED:  Ask questions which help patients get in touch with their strengths, like “What helps you get through this?”
8. USE POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT:  When your loved one acts in a positive manner, reinforce this with praise and attention.  When they act more negatively or helplessly, don’t pay too much attention.  Acknowledge they feel bad and wait for an opportunity to reinforce the positive.
9. BE AWARE OF YOUR NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION.  Remember that you can communicate rejection not only through the words you choose, but also by how you say them – your tone of voice and volume, for example.  You also communicate by facial expressions, like frowns, sneers, gestures (like putting your hands up to indicate “enough!”), and eye contact (by looking away).

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“Talking It Over #3,” the beautiful picture above, is reprinted with permission of the artist, Shirray Langley, at the Abbozzo Gallery.

Next Friday… Family Issues #5:  An Overview of Medication Treatments for Pain, for Family Members

You’re welcome to copy this handout from this site, with a notation that it’s from www.howtocopewithpain.org.  For a copy of the complete handout, you can contact my co-author Dr. David Kannerstein at dkanner@comcast.net.  David Kannerstein is a psychologist in private practice with Margolis Berman Byrne Health Psychology in Philadelphia and SRI Psychological Services in Jenkintown, PA.  He specializes in helping individuals and their families manage chronic pain.