These verses were submitted by Denise for our December contests.

A Purging of Feelings Ignited Within  

I often ponder if I really exist in this world.  I feel like a butterfly, floating from flower to flower, carelessly landing on random objects, not knowing where it is I am heading or what it is I am desperately searching.  The beauty on the outside is nothing like the reflection of my soul.  Inside, beneath the colors of my wings and the grace of my whimsical flight, is the true identity of the darkness I am consumed by.  The magnetic pull to the far reaches of my mind is so intense, all else fails to exist.

Maybe you have visited this place before, in your own mind, and dismissed it quickly, knowing once you stayed, for even a fraction of a second, you may be forced to stay without a clear exit sign.  This path that I often take reminds me of a crash on the highway…  so horrific you don’t want to look, but your eyes never dart away!  This kind of looking within makes you see things about yourself, feel things about yourself, and makes you dive deeper into the abyss of loathing everything about oneself.  Questions that have no reasonable answer plague my every thought.  I become lost in a sea of emotions, and while the world swims on past, I remain anchored to the bottom.  The shark, named depression and grief, has gobbled me up and forced me into this place of darkness.  How different things appear from this point of view.  The colors have faded to black and white and the grace of my flight has succumbed to the riptides of the ocean, forcing me in jagged misdirection.  I presume, in time, these feelings, like shards of glass, will eventually smooth out and become a rounded piece of sea glass.  A souvenir of self destruction, yet only a very miniscule piece of this enormous puzzle of my existence!

Reflection while watching the sunrise

I am sitting here all alone watching the sunrise and my mind appears to drift.  Through all the pain and sleepless nights, the days still come and the nights still fall and I can see the beauty in it all.  It is amazing how, looking back, I thought my life would be forever in darkness.  Now I see that if I truly open my eyes the universe is there waiting for us to take it all inside.  Life is too short not to live each day the way which we are happiest, as if it was our last.

Chronic pain and disease is just a fork in the road, an obstacle to slow us down or make us stronger, and maybe it will help us understand we have a choice.  We can continue to let “it” win or we can take control and get behind the wheel of life and opportunity, and drive to our destination with exuberance.  Or we can constantly ride the brake for fear of failure and additional suffering.  I believe the choice is really ours to take.

So, reflect, if you are so inclined, and look closely at what the universe is telling you; maybe you too will be inspired to take your foot off the brake and live!!!

Thanks to Denise for her words!  Thanks to Ricky David for the photo.  Grand Rounds, a medical blog carnival, is posted this week at Edwin Leap.